The Power of No
A relate on boundaries and how they work
I had been working with this mental idea of healthy boundaries in my own personal journey for a number of years; having gone from no boundaries whatsoever to blocking any connection completely, and everything in between. I kept trying to make sense of the concept, hoping to find a way that was healthy and most of all respecting of my inner being. I hoped that I would find a way to manage my boundaries which would work on a daily basis, a way that would hold my essence sacred and would also allow me to connect with the world in a way that makes sense. It was hard. I kept looking for that one way that would work out, and the universe kept showing me how much I wasn't getting it. I went from wanting to surrender completely to my partner's wishes thinking that's what love would do, to not wanting any eye contact with anyone, and other interesting and weird ways of trying to manage connection with others in an inquiry to make sense of this concept of personal boundaries. Many times, I felt too vulnerable to open up and had to own the fact that I needed personal space more than anything. At other times, I needed to push through what I thought were boundaries just to have life show me that I can have some fun. Sometimes I would just be open to all and get totally drained. All of these experiences were useful and valid in my inquiry, but none of them actually felt right.
It took some deep explorations and inner connection with the body’s wisdom to be able to transition out of this mental idea of boundaries (which are more like blockages) into an energetic and alive concept of boundaries. I will explain what I mean by this a little more in-depth in this blog post, and add some ideas and tips. Of course I have had my journey and you have yours, so I hope this post will be useful for you to engage in your own personal process of creating healthy, breathing boundaries, in your own unique and perfect way.
The first thing I'd share is something really important that’s often negated in spiritual new-age lineages: all these concepts of inner wisdom and energetic awareness are body-related. We are, in our wholeness, a manifestation of the all-one's deciding to journey in a body, and feelings are our soul's language in this world. Mind wisdom can be very valuable to a certain extent, especially if it allows us to reconnect with the wisdom of the body temple inside. For this reason, mentally-sourced boundaries are minimal in its power and efficiency compared to allowing the body temple to honor its own boundaries. The body knows what is needed, and has a powerful intelligence of how energy works, which nearly always precedes the mind’s capacity to interpret what is needed. Inner reconnection work may be needed to have the body temple be sensitive and confident enough to be confident in voicing and clearly speaking its wisdom, because we have been trained to be more comfortable when the mind is in charge. Letting the body speak may be uncomfortable or frightening at first, but she knows what is up in the energetic realms and is attuned to the divine mystery in a very intimate fashion.
First tip to finding your boundaries: create a connection to the body, learn to respect her and her innate wisdom, and allow the time she needs to regain trust in the mind. Don't try to get anything or need it to go anywhere. Like this, you'll create safety and comfort in the body.
Second, observe your current concept of ‘healthy boundaries’. Are you aware of whether you rigidly decide what is right and what not, and what the reason may be you choose this way over the other. May there be an unresolved issue hidden in the subconscious looking for reconciliation? Do you block certain experiences without knowing why, even though there may be a layer of excitement and growth below the pain? Do you feel drawn to a certain experience, and then block once you get close to the possibility of it becoming reality? These can be good opportunities to go past the blocks, if you're held by loving people who will respect you, your inner power and your process. There is definitely no need to blame anyone if you feel triggered, much more to share your experience and see if maybe it can get reprogrammed by you not playing out the same cards as you are used to. There might not be the need to change anything about what you do or how you see the situation, but to merely listen to what this trigger brings to you is valuable.
Second tip: create space for personal journeying with pain and triggers. Listening to what the energy has to say may be helpful, and allowing and moving through emotions related to what triggers you is usually worth your time. Trust the process.
Three: Stay healthy in the way you treat your inner world. Remember, you came into this world as a loving child that was divinely connected in any moment. The one that decided to shield itself in order to survive is an intelligent being, and they had no other choice in this messy reality of planet earth. Rushing, putting pressure on yourself or blaming yourself for doing or not doing things the way you think they need to be done is not creating safety for the divine one inside that knows how to heal when it's ready. Create a safe environment of love and nourishment for the little one to grow and regain its power and connection to magic in life. Then you can be safe, and feel clearly what is true to you. From there, healthy boundaries can start to exist again; now there are no parents to tell you what is right and what not, and you are the one that calls the shots. No-one else knows your inner worlds like you do, and no-one claims your divine right of free will. When ready, the healthy and mature person can choose to create a safe space for the wonderful and playful kid to explore the magic of this world in peace and harmony. They really need each other: the mature one to respect and honor the inner worlds by taking space and creating healthy boundaries and interactions, and the young one to come out and play within those boundaries that hold the sacredness. Boundaries aren’t forceful barriers, but a living, breathing and transforming thing that has an intelligence. And the purpose of it is to hold sacred the divine love that manifests itself inside of them safely.
Third tip: saying no to something or someone actually means saying yes to your truth. It also means that if you say yes, you actually want to be there, creating harmony and magic. It's where you can actually love yourself and another simultaneously.
Last insight on personal limits is this: try to see boundaries as an intelligent membrane or living being which has intelligence. It knows when to open, expand, change, morph, close, adapt, connect, and so on. At the edges of those limits there is a field of interconnection, of intelligent sensory awareness that feels and interacts with the world around you. They truly are like sensory antennas that live as a living extension of your body. They constantly transmit energetic information and interact with the world. And when you feel safe, you can fully listen to what they have to say and harbor safe space for love to exist within them. And you can have meaningful and transformative interactions with others where both of you thrive. You can connect with others in a sacred way, owning your desires and boundaries.
Fourth tip: listen to the signs you feel and respect them, knowing that they may change again. Trust the mystery.
Hoping you had a great read, I'm sending love for your journey and honored to be a part of it. Shadi.
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